governortadashi

Well, my 14-year-old german shepard dog died today. He died earlier today at home due to a heart attack........

...I don't know what more to say....besides that I'm sad.

It's been a while since I updated. Something came up and I uh..had to get away for a while. I don't have a whole lot to put right now.
Trying to blow time on Runescape. I'm only on there for friends, I keep loosing and I can never keep my things.. oh well. Can't have any.
anyways ...I lost my thought.

While  I was adding some new ppl on my deviant art account I ran into my ex on there. -___- I mean reading his comments, and ones his friends put there....it hurt.... I just want to forget everything. Even though he broke up with me like ...3 years ago? ...2 and a half? anyways he said I wasn't old enough for him I'm 4 years younger. And we couldn't even be friends.

I never want to see him around that site.......it just hurts  too much.
..what would you do? to try and forget the pain? please let me  know...I have this heavy feeling in my heart..

I hate it how when youre parents go "oh you can always come and talk to me when you want to." then when to try to talk to them about things they tell you "oh you're too old for that." and "don't tell me that! please don't tell me that!"
and all that crap. If there's one thing I learned in life is the only one you can trust is yourself. It's a shame but it's true.
and I know what the real world's like and its cold and harsh. gotta love it.....(complete sarcasm)

Can't put a whole lot of personal things up on LJ because people can use it against me. and I tried writing in a physical journal and that sucked. just don't have time for that. so in the end I guess you just bottle it up all inside. Best place for it.

I missed my friend's b-day and I asked someone else and he goes "well you should of asked." and I said "I just did"
that guy I swear is so good at putting me down. and I hate it how people go "oh I know what you're going through" no they don't. if they did then they would be saying that. nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. If I don't get something done it's not always my fault. People are real good at shattering my dreams all to hell. I have dreams no longer. I know they are just false, nothing more. They don't make even the slightest difference in the cold world. That's another less thing I have now. now I have a total of 0 left.

..how nice..

This morning I had to go to Lowe's to find some lightbulbs and I had to wash my hands because I grabbed the door handle and something sticky was on it. Anyways my old teacher came in to take a crap. She was grunting and stuff. I was trying not to laugh. When he was done she asked me if I was ok. I just said I needed to wash my hands. I could have sworn she was going to bust me for skipping the final XD

For the past 3 days I was waiting for an e-mail or atleast a message from my close friend where he is. We talk alot on msn but he hasn't been on. He could have atleast told me where he was, and that  little endearing thing we say to eachother. He didn't put that either.
I sent him a message asking why he hasn't checked his email or sent me anything, and he goes "I can't check my e-mail if i aint home, and I aint home. Im with a girlfriend. Not MY girlfriend. A girlfriend"
and that's it...
he didn't say what we always say. ..maybe it's just me but we both have the same two sites, and he could have sent me a message saying where he was! and what we always say, but I guess I don't mean enough to him to say it when he's with is "friend thats a girl" or his friends. Is he too "cool" to message  me anymore?
....besides if he would have said what we normally do at the end, and even told me where he was going. Then it wouldn't be as bad...

I guess he's too cool when he's with his friends...................friends don't do that to eachother..when he comes back I'll give in and forgive him...I'm too sensitive. -___- plus i've had the flu for two days and that doesn't make it any better..

and for the mood I can't say if I'm more sad, dissappointed, or angry..

This morning at 4:30am I woke up with a sinus migraine behind my left eye and in my forehead. I had it all day. Thankfully I threw up, and then was able to lay down and put a hot beanbag compress on my eyes and forehead. It was so bad I couldn't cry either because that made it worse. It felt like it was throbbing so hard my mind was going to explode! here it is 10 hours and 40 minutes later and it's now starting to go away. Thank God!
and thank goodness tomorrow is friday.
haven't heard from any of my friends today, I wonder how they are.

This morning I was in a hurry and forgot to take my pills. And..... I had to run some errands in town well I felt strange so I called my dad's fiance and told her that I felt strange and she's like "big deal. nothings going to happen to you." and she hung up. well.......an hour or so later I passed out somewhere and nobody could figure out what was wrong with me. I woke up in the hospital and I tried talking but nobody could understand me because my words were slurred. My heart beat was like 100 times faster, and my breathing was laboured. It was scary. Everything was distorted and I was hallucinating and everything.
..I could of died today.
If I would have...that last journal entry would have been my final entry.....

The bus ride sucked today. Some kid in the front row had a book and he was supposed to be reading but instead he was picking his nose and eating it. x.x that was the most nastiest thing ever. I'm never sitting in that seat. Who knows how clean the bus seat is. sick........... ewww boogers. The music playing was country, and it sucked. Like really old bluegrass music. Bunch of wierdos are in there....I'm scared. XD

There was a fight in the street today. I was walking right by and WHAM the guy punched him and they rumbled and I stayed out of it, specially how the police came shortly after. I might get called down to the station if anything happened. That sucked more than anythings ever sucked before. 

I went to the library hoping it would be somewhere warm...my apartment is like an icebox it's freezing......heating costs extra. Dang it, I was hoping to get a call saying someone hired me...not today..maybe tomorrow.

Well whoevers reading this I hope ya have a good weekend and I'll write later or tomorrow. I am g2g for now so I will just post later. Bye.

Everyone's busy today, and I'm that depressed mood again.

I doubt I'll cry at this second, but if I cry maybe I'll feel better.I can't really say...

The stupid noise from the heater is atleast driving out the silence. but also my patience.

I haven't made myself anything to eat today, I'm sick of eating the same old things. I've got a headache and I can't seem to get rid of it.

I wish I was on the bus again after I punched that kid. or playing Sonic or even yes..I'm desperate old school pokemon..

I was sick today, I woke up with a migrane and I felt so exhausted like I was hit with a truck. I've been doing alot lately. I just needed to rest.

I thankfully had no reason to take the bus today. The bus driver yesterday wasn't too happy...but I didn't er....exactuallty welcomed on the bus for a week but hey! the kid deserved it.

I'm behind in alot of things, I'll get back tomorrow. Today's been a pretty slow boring day. Tomorrow I'll feel better. 

m-mew I drew a catboy this morning. Now I'm just bored...

on the bus ride home I had a bad day and I was listening to my mp3 player. and my apartment isn't that far away..but anyways I needed to be alone and this kid was pestering me and yelled and blew some crap in my ear and then I got so mad because he kept touching me and crap so my fuse snapped and I punched him in the face.

then some kid yelled Asshole in german and the bus driver (who is almost all german) slammed on the brakes and we all almost got whiplash. and he got up out of his seat and yelled "DONT YOU EVER SWEAR ON MY BUS! YOU'RE OFF!!" and he kicked the kid off. wow what a day.

At first I thought I'd have enough money to leave, now I'm not so sure. The prices for apartments are expensive more then this one. And there like here it's only one room.

My dad yelled at me today, because I hurt myself and couldn't ride the bike. Man this sucks.
Boy he's good at yelling.
and I don't wanna hear his stupid life stories. I mean who cares?

the plummings got the bathroom flooded.............
*sigh*

ahhh a wonderful new year start.....oh yes. -_____-

Finally! I think I've got enough money to move to another city away from Marly. I sure hope so. Ahhhh...I hope this will be a good New Year.

I got to talk to my mom today. It was fun. Haven't talked to her in a while....we only talked for about 6 minutes..not enough. But hey it's something.

I'll keep hanging in there, I hope for a new year. .....08...I graduate this year.. 

This morning I woke up from yet another nightmare. I think I just kept too much inside me and when I got sick last night...my mind just kept thinking about it. Just when Marly screamed that he wanted me to die....it stayed in my mind. I could have been anything...without him, and without his restrictions. I could have had a great job, and a great apartment. I've sent in a few applications a while ago and haven't heard anything yet. I'll probably get evicted soon if I don't get that job. And since I got kicked out, I have nowhere else to go. I gotta rely on myself more. 

I didn't see Marly last night, that's good. I don't feel love or any kind of happiness twords him anymore but..when do I see happen to unfortunately see him, a wave of terror comes over me. He can't punch my lights out either, because if he does. I can get him for harassment. The police already know about what he did before, so I guess he's on thin ice so to say.

Yesterday I was in a good mood, and this morning I feel strange. Maybe it's just my medicine. I'm hanging in there. 
Just wish I had someone to share my apartment with. I wake up and I'm alone. At first it was horrible, then it just became desolate with only me in it. I look around and everything's the same as it was. Then I start thinking...Christmas, Easter, the tooth faerie. Such childish things that I used to believe in. My youth wasn't the greatest.......which I won't talk about for personal reasons. I sort of want that nurturing feeling to come back, that safe feeling. I wish I could go back to all of that, and know nothing of how cold the real world really is.
Dreaming? yeah, I must be dreaming...

I don't k now why... that I keep feeling this way. I had a very depressing journal entry earlier but I deleted it...

A few minutes ago I saw Marly down the hall from my apartment and I looked at him as we passed and  then he stopped and yelled at me. So we screamed at eachother and he screamed that he wanted me to die...

..why? Neither me nor him feel for eachother the way we used to. And it's hard because...I need support right now and everytime I need someone they are never there...

I know Marly hates me but right now I can't hear his screams from down the hall anymore. He will probably break down the door down tonight. Someday I'll find the special person just for me....and Marly will never hurt me again.

Never.

Well everyone is busy so...I tried to play my western game "GUN" well I'm trying to kill Hollister and I can't because all I have is a stupid bow but no arrows. And no guns or anything. I just don't know how to fight him......

I'll probably play my psp tonight. Jeanne D'arc is the only game left I have for it....

I'm dying of boredom.....

There isn't too much new. I'm getting over Marly well. Now I like someone else...but he's already taken. Maybe if I wish hard enough they will break up. ..but that's mean of me to think. I'm just selfish I guess... m-mew. Last night I had dream about Marly again. I wish I didn't! He like hates my guts and plus when he left he took everything. I was looking in my drawers for some money of mine I had stashed away, I needed it for a dishwasher well I guess he found that money too. 

Over the years I had like $100 saved up. Then I looked 5 months ago then I had $44 left. I knew someone was in it, and Marly was the only one that was there. Of course he denied it when I asked him about it. Then yesterday I was hoping if he lent the money he'd mail a little back to me. So I went to the mailbox and opened it up. Empty. No bills so that's good. I didn't have any idea of what Marly would have done. I think the $44 is still in the Christmas card I have hidden in my dresser. I never told him about the card, that's like the only thing he doesn't know about. That too he found. He just doesn't understand that he's hurt me for the last time. So after I got done talking with Erice he was busy, I went down to Value and got my lock changed on the door and of course the key changed. I got a rude awakening when Marly scared me awake banging on it. He kept doing it for like an hour and finally I opened it (big mistake!) and asked him what he wanted since he took everything from me he could ever take. He grabbed the neck of my shirt and I was afraid he was going to strangle me. I cried like a little baby. ...I've never cried in front of anyone only him and when I was talking to Erice. Anyways Marly and I had a long chat. I told him for the last and final time I wanted him to leave me alone. It was over.

Before he stormed out I looked right at him and asked if he was the one that stole that money. He yelled no, and we started screaming at eachother and I feared he was going to hurt me so I called the police. They couldn't catch him in time because he already had lead way. I hope that will be the last time I see Marly. I'm hoping to move here pretty soon. Then I'll know for sure that I'll be safe. And what's worse with my emotional bipolar it was horrible trying to consult with Marly. My left shoulder still hurts when he grabbed it. I'm going to see if I can put some heat on it. For now I'm going to see if any of my friends are on aim.

I do have one question before I go though...I can't understand why I want to be with my friend that's taken so much. His bf will never love him the way that I do. I guess my love for him is the only thing that keeps me going now.

 I absolutely hate it when I try adding someone or trying to send them a friendly comment and they get all mad and ask who I am, and why I added them to my friend list. Simple. I'm trying to make new friends! People just don't give me a freaken chance. I don't know why but either they have it in for me, or they don't want to make new friends. I'm getting really sick of this, and what makes me mad even worse is they comment in MY JOURNAL about it. Why the heck couldn't they just send me a normal inbox message? 
I guess I'm just not a "Chosen one" to be popular with people. That's not a suprise though, I'm used to that. Maybe I should just keep to myself and hope people that ACTUALLY WANT TO MAKE FRIENDS comment me. Because I'm not going to send messages to anyone else but my friends if they are going to treat me like that. So far that I remember their usernames there is 2. There was 3 or 4 more but I don't bother with them.
So next time if someone doesn't know me and has a question why I added them...then they can send me a freaken inbox message, not commenting on MY journal! geez...I can't stress that enough. I wonder.....if there is a block feature...
and thank you for the couple of ppl on here that have actually WELCOMED ME and were my friends. I'll send you guys an inbox message if you want.

of all the time to dump someone..
I woke up at 3 am and got on the pc and luckily caught Erice on aim and was talking to him and marly's name popped up and I said hi & I guess he felt the need to tick me off. 2 months before I begged  to be w/ him again. then we did until I found out he was cheating so I asked him about it and of course he denied it all. then he said I wasnt good enough (like didn't have a whole lot of money to get that stupid car he wants) then well yeah dumped me the day before yesterday.
*not going to cry* if I start crying it will be pathetic.
4am now...... n-not going to cry...of all days I won't become sullen and withdrawn..